"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."

- Mark Twain, born as Samuel Clemmons on November 30, 1835

I don't suppose most people were aware that 2005 was the "Year Of Physics," representing the 100th anniversary of Einstein's most famous breakthroughs. (I hear that yesterday was the 100th birthday of E=mc². Trivia fun.) I was aware of the "Year Of Physics" only because I happen to eat lunch with a physicist every other Wednesday, and even he couldn't really convince me to care. The human obsession with base ten is cute, I grant you, but it's hard to maintain enthusiasm when a new centennial roles around every year.

However, one bonus of the "Year Of Physics" is that it's got the physicists all riled up. I personally enjoyed a Guardian Unlimited editorial, 'Keats claimed physics destroyed beauty. Keats was being a prat.'

John Keats talked of "unweaving the rainbow", suggesting that Newton destroyed the beauty of nature by analyzing light with a prism and splitting it into different colours. Keats was being a prat. Physicists also smile when we see rainbows, but our emotional reaction is doubled by our understanding of the deep physics relating to the prismatic effects of raindrops. Similarly, physicists appreciate sunsets more than anybody else, because we can enjoy the myriad colours and at the same time grasp the nuclear physics that created the energy that created the photons that travelled for millions of years to the surface of the Sun, which then travelled eight minutes through space to Earth, which were then scattered by the atmosphere to create the colourful sunset. Understanding physics only enhances the beauty of nature.

Let's get one thing straight right off the bat: physicists don't "appreciate sunsets more than anybody else," and you don't have to be a physicist to understand atmospheric phenomena, light, and Rayleigh scattering. However, this editorial does have more to offer than just the predictable arrogance found in the math-related sciences. (You'd never find a haughty, self-important snob among the humble and dignified ranks of the biological sciences. We're far too noble, charming, and good-looking for that sort of behavior.)

Obviously the article raises one of my favorite talking points, which is that it is deeply funny when a grown man or woman prefers to believe that thunder means God is going bowling. I love to hear ignorant people blaming SCIENCE for their own inability to find beauty and wonder in the natural world, but not quite as much as I love to see those people's feeble mythological fumblings put to shame by the passion and delight of an enthused scientist.

Another bit I liked was how this editorial also reassured me that America is not the only modern nation which is determined to undermine the science education of its children; in the words of the irate editorializing physicist, "A budding boffin in Bangalore probably stands more chance of having good mathematics and physics teachers than the equivalent bright young spark condemned to a British science education." Budding boffin in Bangalore. I'm going to use that.

And, of course, what would a science article be without a multiple-choice quiz at the end? We egg-heads work long and hard to make sure that every layperson on the planet associates science with test-taking, low grades, and related forms of unpleasentness. It keeps the Arts majors out from under foot, you see.

Certain forces seem determined to kill the religious significance of Christmas, and I, for one, am astounded. But probably not for the reasons the evangelicals are going for.

First, a little background. I spent a (mercifully) brief period of time as a member of the proud American retail sales force. Once hired, my first and most important task was to memorize The Script. The Script was a carefully focus-grouped and company-approved formula that I was paid $5.75 an hour to parrot back at any customer who came within range. Anybody who has worked as a clerk or a "greeter" during the last decade or so has probably memorized the exact same Script, though possibly with a different store/company name inserted.

On the day after Thanksgiving all employees received The Holiday Script. This was a carefully focus-grouped, company-approved, and painstakingly modified version of The Script in which four words at the end were replaced with four new words: "Have A Merry Christmas!"

The original four words in the standard version of The Script were, "Thank you for shopping!"

That's really all that the James Dobsons of the world are accomplishing with their constant harping about some diabolical secularist war on Christmas. See, none of them are bitching about the seasonal greetings they get from librarians or museum ushers or the Shakespeare In The Park troupe. Instead they are fixated on shoving their supposed holy day into the mouths of department store clerks. By demanding that retailers shriek Christmas blessings, the ever-befuddling religious wingers are helping to encourage the public belief that "Christmas" is an alternate pronunciation of "shopping."

Salesdrones recite The Script so many times per day that the words become utterly devoid of any meaning or emotion. Shoppers hear The Script so many times per day that the words become utterly devoid of any meaning or emotion. If, for some reason that completely escapes me, the evangelicals are dead set on making "Merry Christmas" a phrase devoid of any meaning or emotion then I say we let the babies have their freaking bottle. After all, they've already helped us convince a generation of American tots that "Easter" is a type of chocolate, so why stop them now?

Belated Happy Thanksgivings to all! I'm frantically trying to catch up with my life, having disappeared from it for a whole week of New Jersey vacation fun, but my posting will probably resume today or tomorrowish.

Highlights of vacation, in brief, include:
-Finally saw Serenity, was delighted
-Hummingbirds may be able to safely consume several times their body weight each day, but (despite my best efforts) I am not a hummingbird and therefore should not eat like one
-Hoboken sucks, and I'm okay with that
-Adorable bunny suicide cartoons
-I'm funnier than every single celebrity that appeared on the the "Earth To America" Global Warming Variety show...and that still isn't saying much
-I can cook pie. Who knew?

Okay, I'll admit it, reading this made me very sad. A recent series of studies published in the journal Personal Relationships found (among other things) that men who give flowers are also more likely to be abusers. It's true that I generally regard flowers as an empty cop-out gift for people without any imagination, but at the same time it's really depressing to think that something as silly and innocent as flower-giving could be an indicator of domestic abuse.

Will somebody please give Bush a blowjob so we can impeach him?

Groundbreaking research examines the impact of smoking and drinking on marshmallow Peeps.

The synergistic effect of smoking and alcohol in Peeps produces a rapidly exothermic oxidation reaction, leading to a chemical and morphological divergence from the wild-type Peep phenotypes.

Assistant lab members described these divergent Peeps as "less sweet," "crunchier," and "gross" when compared to the Peeps which used either alcohol or tobacco, but not both. For these reasons, it is our strong recommendation to JustBorn Corporation that they supervise young Peeps and educate them of the risks associated with smoking and alcohol.

Submitted without comment, by your favorite 5'2" zombiedeathkoala:

Shorter women are more broody, say psychologists.

USA Today reports: Sparrow knocks over 23,000 dominoes before being shot.

The unfortunate bird flew through an open window at an exposition center in the northern city of Leeuwarden where employees of television company Endemol NV have worked for weeks setting up more than 4 million dominoes in an attempt to break the official Guinness World Record for falling dominoes on Friday night.

...


The bird was shot by an exterminator with an air rifle while cowering in a corner.

I vote that we replace "The Butterfly Effect" with "The Domino-Toppling Sparrow Who Then Gets Shot Effect."

Tonight I had the honor of listening to the Dalai Lama deliver an address to 8,000 assembled scientists at the 35th annual meeting of the Society for Neuroscience. I frantically took notes in the margins of my program, so I apologize in advance if this entry is a little disjointed...both my transcription skills and my handwriting left much to be desired.

The very notion of a religious leader giving the opening remarks at a scientific conference is surprising, particularly for those of us who have lived under the increasingly anti-science theocratic shadow spreading across the United States. It was an amazing experience to see scientists lining up for 2 hours to listen to the words of a holy man. It was even more amazing to hear a be-robed monk describe quarks as "awesome."

Of course, the Dalai Lama is unlike any religious leader I've encountered before, and his religion shares little in common with the religious faith most of us encounter in daily American life. For one thing, he opened his address with an explanation of how skepticism is considered a fundamental part of his religion, and how students are expected to read Buddhist teachings--including the words of Buddha himself--with a critical mind. He explained that members of his Buddhist discipline recognize that many of the great Buddhist teachers wrote hundreds or thousands of years ago and did not have access to the knowledge we have today, and, while this does not mean we should disregard all their work, we must be willing to sort out which teachings are still relevant to us and which are not compatible with the knowledge we have today.

The Dalai Lama's humor and gregariousness is also a dramatic contrast to the most visible spiritual leaders in America. For example, while he enjoys tinkering with mechanical devices, he ruefully stated that when it comes to computers, "I'm hopeless." When a scientist asked how the Dalai Lama would feel if there was some surgical way to bring about the mental state currently achieved through meditation, he chuckled, "If you can create a surgery to remove all the negative emotions and attachment from the brain, then I will be the first patient! I spend several hours each day trying to do this, and it is quite tiring."

On the subject of ethics, the Dalai Lama once again demonstrated how different his religious beliefs are from the Judeo-Christian system most Americans follow. He explained that love, kindness, honor, respect, and compassion are all "fundamental human values." Religion does not create these values, and we do not need religion to live according to these values, although religion--when used correctly, he stressed--can help enhance our understanding of these values or our ability to live according to them. He added that man-made problems and strife are the result of "an unrealistic approach" on our part, and the unrealistic approach is due to our lack of knowledge. If we want to reach peace, prosperity, and individual happiness, then we must develop a realistic approach by increasing our understanding of the world. Certainly this attitude is a far cry from the "pray harder, dammit!" methodology of the American faithful.

There was a question and answer session at the end of the event, in which the Dalai Lama cheerfully welcomed his audience to give him the kind of grilling that I have nightmares about. First up was a person who asked how the Buddhist value of compassion for living things could be reconciled with the use of animals in research. The Dalai Lama's reply was an echo of the very system of ethics that modern science has built over many decades, with emphasis on minimizing both the use of animals and the suffering experienced by the animals. He said that one must understand and appreciate the sacrifice that is being asked of the animal, and that one must only ask this sacrifice when it will contribute meaningfully to the betterment of life. He added that this topic has arisen among non-vegetarian Buddhists as well, but was quick to specify that the most common Buddhist solution (chanting Om Mani Padme Hum over the animal) would not be appropriate for a scientific setting.

Another interesting question posed by an audience member was, "What do you think is the best way to deal with drug abuse, in terms of how it impacts our consciousness?" The Dalai Lama replied, "I don't like the word 'best.' What is it? 'Easiest'? 'Fastest'? 'Cheapest'? There is not this 'best.' You should treat this issue case by case. There is not a general answer."

The last question of the night was a perfect closer, because it so perfectly exemplified why the Dalai Lama is a groovy fellow. The question was, "If you were to become a neuroscientist today, what would your PhD thesis topic be?" Though he had just finished fielding some of the toughest ethical questions in science, and had done so with apparent ease, to this last question the Lama laughed and joked, "I will need a few more days to think about that one!"

Researchers at MIT* have concluded that tinfoil hats actually amplify government radio frequencies, increasing The Man's ability to hack into your mind.

Among a fringe community of paranoids, aluminum helmets serve as the protective measure of choice against invasive radio signals. We investigate the efficacy of three aluminum helmet designs on a sample group of four individuals. Using a $250,000 network analyser, we find that although on average all helmets attenuate invasive radio frequencies in either directions (either emanating from an outside source, or emanating from the cranium of the subject), certain frequencies are in fact greatly amplified. These amplified frequencies coincide with radio bands reserved for government use according to the Federal Communication Commission (FCC). Statistical evidence suggests the use of helmets may in fact enhance the government's invasive abilities. We theorize that the government may in fact have started the helmet craze for this reason.

*MIT is also the institution that brought us Clocky, the deranged mobile alarmclock. Diabolical.

Sea monster or whale exhibitionist? You be the judge!

(Via the Guardian)

In 1741, a Danish-Norwegian missionary named Hans Egede published what became a famous account of "a most dreadful monster" that appeared off the coast of Greenland. "The case is interesting," the modern scientists write, "in that Egede had drawn and described a number of large northern whale species in his book, so he obviously felt the 'dreadful' monster was something different."

...

Egede's animal had a serpent-like tail that appeared out of the water when the rest of the beast had disappeared. But rather than a tail, Paxton et al say, this was most likely a penis. They present photographs of well-endowed male whales, and also a drawing from Egede's book, in which we see the sea monster's serpent-like tail. The latter is remarkably similar to what we see in the photographs.

I've heard some people lament that science kills our sense of child-like wonder by dispelling our myths and fairy tales. What we must remember is that whenever science closes a door to myth it also opens a window to hilarity.

"Thar he blows!"

Pure genius from Aerosaucer:

I appreciate prodigious posteriors
And I am incapable of obfuscation
Those of you with whom I feel a fraternal bond cannot abnegate
That when a female homosapien ambulates in with a microscopic midsection and a globular object in your visage
You experience a restriction of venous flow by hydraulic pressure in your genital region.

You yearn to approach enthusiastically
Because you have ascertained that the hindquarters in question is brimming
Abysmally in the dungarees in which the feminine entity is attired
I am engrossed and am impotent to bring my own scrutinization to a conclusion
Oh, one for whom I feel affection, I desire to engage in intimate relations with you
And record your appearance in a photographic medium

My companions made an attempt to remonstrate me
But that derriere you possess compels me to become drastically amorous

Oh, glutial area of unvarying surface uniformity
You express a desire to gain ingress to my fine and expensive German-engineered motorized vehicle?
Well exploit me, exploit me,
Because you lack the qualities of the unexceptional enthusiast

I have beheld them promenading
And I would like to send courtshipment to the Inferno of Judeo-Christian tradition
She embodies the abstract concepts of perspiration and saturation
She is propelled much like an owner-improved American-made high-performance ground-based conveyance

I am exasperated by monthly print publications
Declaring that complanate haunches are desirable and prevalent
Acquire the quotidian human male with a high concentration of dermal melanin and query him on the subject
He will inform you that it is imperative that an inamorata possess abundant fundament.

So those of masculine gender
(Affirmative!)
Those of masculine gender
(Affirmative!)
Does you paramour boast a voluminous torsal extremity?
(I swear so on the name of the theological realm of eternal torment!!)
Well brandish it, brandish it, brandish it, brandish it, brandish that robust rear end!

The object of my ardor maintains generous buttocks.

Here's what I find delightful: the people who believe in God seem to be the ones most determined to portray Him as dangerously insane.

Pat Robertson on Sunday said that the tornado in Indiana and Kentucky was God’s way of expressing His anger at the actor Warren Beatty and his wife, Annette Bening for trying to disrupt yesterday’s speech by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger at a campaign rally in San Diego. “By choosing to disrupt this national event, these Hollywood elites have clearly invited God’s wrath,” Robertson said on ‘The 700 Club’ on Sunday. “Is it any surprise that the Almighty chose to strike at a town on the opposite side of the country?”

So God, in His perfect wisdom, says to Himself, "Man, Warren Beatty and Annette Bening really cheese me off when they interfere in My Divine Republican plan for California. But I'll show them...I'll smash the shit out of Indiana and Kentucky! I will make clear my wrath with those West Coast Democrats by smacking around a couple of Republican states 3000 miles away!"

"For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream."
-Vincent van Gogh


Researchers from NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland believe they have captured a glimpse of the first stars that lit our universe.

Harry Reid is one groovy fellow.

He completely made my day and I am letting him know it...I just sent him a gift basket full of mini-muffins (because nothing says "I love you" like a pile of mini-muffins). If there's anybody here who gets excited at the possibility of having an opposition party in the US again, I strongly encourage you to call, write, or send a gift to Reid's office. With enough mini-muffins, I think we might be able to convince the Democrats to grow back their spines!

Here's Senator Reid's PAC address, for those of you who want to send some muffins of your own:

The Honorable Harry Reid
c/o Friends For Harry Reid
422 C St., NE
Washington, DC 20002