Certain forces seem determined to kill the religious significance of Christmas, and I, for one, am astounded. But probably not for the reasons the evangelicals are going for.

First, a little background. I spent a (mercifully) brief period of time as a member of the proud American retail sales force. Once hired, my first and most important task was to memorize The Script. The Script was a carefully focus-grouped and company-approved formula that I was paid $5.75 an hour to parrot back at any customer who came within range. Anybody who has worked as a clerk or a "greeter" during the last decade or so has probably memorized the exact same Script, though possibly with a different store/company name inserted.

On the day after Thanksgiving all employees received The Holiday Script. This was a carefully focus-grouped, company-approved, and painstakingly modified version of The Script in which four words at the end were replaced with four new words: "Have A Merry Christmas!"

The original four words in the standard version of The Script were, "Thank you for shopping!"

That's really all that the James Dobsons of the world are accomplishing with their constant harping about some diabolical secularist war on Christmas. See, none of them are bitching about the seasonal greetings they get from librarians or museum ushers or the Shakespeare In The Park troupe. Instead they are fixated on shoving their supposed holy day into the mouths of department store clerks. By demanding that retailers shriek Christmas blessings, the ever-befuddling religious wingers are helping to encourage the public belief that "Christmas" is an alternate pronunciation of "shopping."

Salesdrones recite The Script so many times per day that the words become utterly devoid of any meaning or emotion. Shoppers hear The Script so many times per day that the words become utterly devoid of any meaning or emotion. If, for some reason that completely escapes me, the evangelicals are dead set on making "Merry Christmas" a phrase devoid of any meaning or emotion then I say we let the babies have their freaking bottle. After all, they've already helped us convince a generation of American tots that "Easter" is a type of chocolate, so why stop them now?