Happy Halloween!

In honor of this most glorious holiday of wickedness and candy (my two absolute favorite things), and with a hat-tip to the ever-spooky Jack Chick, I give you your official ZombieDeathKoala Halloween Treat...

WHO WILL BE EATEN FIRST?

Most of us have heard second-hand tales of road rage, stories where the crazy guy follows you for a mile and a half because he didn't like the look of your turn signal. But today, for the first time, I heard the road rager telling the story. And it was even scarier.

I was stopping to get my morning coffee from the corner store, and, as I was filling my 15% recycled paper to-go cup, I found myself standing next to a fellow who was gleefully recounting how he terrorized a woman with two kids in her back seat. The "stupid bitch" had the nerve "cut him off" as she came onto the freeway from an on-ramp (something that I thought was called "merging") and he naturally responded by following her--cursing loudly and flipping her the bird--until she got off the freeway. When she came stopped at a light on the corner after the off-ramp, he rear-ended her (or, in his words, "gave her ass a smack") and then climbed out of his car so he could pound on her window while swearing at her. He was delighted to see the woman locking her car doors in terror, and was quite satisfied with the shrieking hysterics of her small children. As he put it, "Those little fellas won't be cutting nobody off!"

Until today, I think I never really believed the stories about road rage. They always seem to be second- or third-hand accounts that too closely resemble the urban legends of a psycho killer stalking Lover's Lane. Well, I bloody well believe them now. The look on that fellow's face was so content, so pleased, so confident that his actions were clearly in the right...the only thing more frightening was that three other people were listening to him and nodding in agreement.

"The development of a vaccine for avian influenza is totally dependent upon an understanding of natural selection, molecular genetics and evolution. This is in conflict with the theory of intelligent design and thus provides a marvelous opportunity for proponents of that concept to stand up for their beliefs and refuse to be inoculated. They would also be doing their part to make sure that there is enough vaccine for the rest of us."
-Richard G. Fried, M.D.Kimberton, Pa.

For myself, personally, I don't especially care if a pack of Creationists want to regress themselves and their offspring to the level of Dark Ages toddlers. It's not like they were going to be discovering cold fusion or anything, so if their simple minds are satisfied with the "God made it go poof" theory of the universe then they can just sit quietly and meditate on their imaginary friend while the rest of us get things done. I fully support every human being's right to be a dumbshit on their own time and in their own space.

The problem, obviously, is when we get into the realm of public policy, but I have generated a relatively simple solution of the "debate" between science and the Magical Poof Theory: any person who supports Creationism or "teaching the debate" is hereby forbidden to ever make use of medical or biological advances that have been derived using evolutionary theory and/or natural selection. Conversely, evolution supporters are forbidden to use any medical or technological advances produced by Creationism.

Whoever is alive in 30 years wins.

Yesterday, the LA Times ran an article about how President Bush made a bunch of five-year-olds cry.

I'm serious.

One hundred Brentwood kindergartners, many dressed in costumes, were all set to go see "The Wizard of Oz" on Friday when their first-ever field trip was blocked by the nation's 43rd president.

They never got to see the wizard.

President George W. Bush, his Marine One helicopter grounded by fog, brought morning rush hour to a standstill while his motorcade proceeded from West Los Angeles through the San Fernando Valley to Simi Valley for the dedication of the Air Force One Pavilion.

"We had buses all loaded up - but by the time they got to school it was too late," said Julie Fahn, a volunteer mom at Kenter Canyon Elementary in Brentwood, where girls had dressed as Dorothy to see the play performed in Malibu.

"My poor children - they were so disappointed. They're all so sad. They were inconvenienced by a silly motorcade down Sunset (Boulevard)."

I'll bet Bush kicks puppies in his free time, too.

The grown-ups weren't terribly happy about Bush's stunt either, and their reactions were somewhat less adorable.

On Friday, police were alerted just before Bush began his commute. With only a few minutes' notice from the U.S. Secret Service, LAPD and city Department of Transportation cops shut down Sunset Boulevard west of the San Diego Freeway from 8:15 a.m. to 10 a.m.

...


As the presidential motorcade turned from Sunset onto the northbound 405 for a dignified crawl on a freeway cleared of other cars, the CHP closed freeway entrances and exits along the entire motorcade route.

"Southbound was wall-to-wall, creeping, except for the car-pool lane," said Dan Page of Simi Valley, who saw the deadlock from his Toyota Prius as he threaded the jam in the HOV lane heading for his job at the UCLA Health Center.

Like many from a region that overwhelmingly cast votes against Bush in 2004, Page was critical of the president's decision to disrupt the nation's busiest freeway commute.

"If he can sneak in and out of Baghdad without anybody knowing it, it seems like he could slip in and out of L.A. without disrupting rush hour - twice."

And this is why I am not a Democrat.

It will cost $220 million to build the 5.9-mile "Bridge to Nowhere" connecting Gravina Island (population 50) to the Alaskan mainland. The Coburn Amendment to the Transportation, Housing, & Urban Development appropriations bill (HR 3058) proposed that this money be diverted to reconstruct Louisiana's "Twin Spans" bridge, a major interstate highway bridge used by an estimated 30,000 vehicles per day.

In total, the Coburn amendment would have drained $454 million in pork from ridiculous projects to instead fund the reconstruction of New Orleans. Sadly, the amendment failed 15-82 with only four Democrats voting to support it. The Republicans have long since ceased to be the party of fiscal responsibility, and the Democrats could easily step into that gap...but, of course, that would require spine.

Republicans: corrupt, ignorant, bigotted fundamentalists. Democrats: groveling, gutless, irresponsible enablers. Gotta love that two-party system.

Aerosaucer caught an absolutely brilliant bit of prognostication by the ever-delightful Onion...

From The Onion, February 2004, Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades:

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed.

From CNN, September 2005: Gillette unveils 5-bladed razor:

The razor, known as the Fusion, has blades spaced 30 percent closer than Gillette's current MACH3Turbo system. It also has a single blade on the back of the cartridge for shaving sideburns or trimming under the nose.

The Onion, 2004:

Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that fucker, too.

CNN, 2005:

Gillette has escalated the razor wars yet again, unveiling a new line of razors on Wednesday with...a lubricating strip on both the front and back.

Anybody willing to go for six blades? Do I hear six? Seven, with three moisturizing strips? How about seven blades, with the strips, with a military-grade pulse lazer, and a tiny robotic old man who whips out a tiny straight razor and polishes off the spots you missed?

Come on, you fucking cowards, let's see who's got the stones to go for EIGHT MOTHERFUCKING RAZOR BLADES!!! By the year 2025, we'll be cranking out razors that have an individual blade for every stump of stubble on a man's face.

Like, whoa, man.

According to a paper that will be published in the November issue of the Journal of Clinical Investigation, smoking the wacky tobaccy may help you grow more brain cells.

In each temporal lobe of the human brain, there is a structure called the hippocampus (so named because its shape resembles that of a sea horse). The hippocampus is a part of the limbic system and is best known for its role in memory. Those of you who have studied some psychology or neuroscience will probably be familiar with the case of H.M., a man who had bilateral hippocampectomy to treat severe epileptic seisures and who was thereafter unable to form new memories. The movie Memento is about a guy who suffered similar damage.

There is an area of the hippocampus called the dentate gyrus that contains neural stem/progenitor cells. You may have been told that the human brain never grows new brain cells, but that's not actually true; some areas of the brain, like the dentate gyrus, can indeed generate new neurons, even in a fully-grown adult. Studies of many drugs of abuse have shown that such drugs typically decrease the rate of neurogenesis in the hippocampus, but the impact of marijuana (specifically, the cannabinoids) had not been examined in detail.

Now, Dr. Zhang and collegues have reported findings that a potent synthetic cannabinoid called HU210 increases hippocampal neurogenesis in both embryonic and adult rat brains. I don't know about you, but I'm not surprised because the only two people I've ever met who could remember the complete words to Louie, Louie were total potheads.

Zhang et al also link this increased neurogenesis to the antidepressant and anxiolytic behavioral effects of the cannabinoids, which is an interesting finding in and of itself. If the rate of proliferation of neurons in the hippocampus is linked to depression and anxiety then I can spitball about half a dozen science-fictiony clinical possibilities already. Most of which would give the anti-stem cell crowd fits.

Condi Rice is either irretrievably stupid or bugfuck insane. From this morning's Meet the Press:

The fact of the matter is that when we were attacked on September 11, we had a choice to make. We could decide that the proximate cause was al Qaeda and the people who flew those planes into buildings and, therefore, we would go after al Qaeda ... or we could take a bolder approach.

"Bolder"? Is that what we're calling it?

Let's say somebody murders you. Let's say the murderer then announces to the whole world that he did it. Let's say a comprehensive investigation confirms his guilt. And let's say the police then decide the best way to see justice done is to arrest his nextdoor neighbor while letting the actual killer go along his merry way. Now, if you were asked to choose a word to describe that situation, would "bolder" be the first term to spring into your head?

Of course, if you're a particularly dim bulb then the police might be able to divert you by telling you the neighbor is a crack dealer or a wife beater or a pimp, and therefore they were right for going after such an awful fellow. If you're dim enough, or if you simply don't give a shit about justice, you might be convinced to forget that they're arresting the neighbor for a crime he did not commit while knowingly allowing the real perpetrator go free.

A poll from CNN/Time magazine reported that 64% of Americans believe that aliens have contacted humans. In a CBS News poll, 64% of respondents believe that the Iraq war was not worth the cost.

The Truth Is Out There.

The American Family Association has just provided me with a brilliant insight: the reason I'm such an abortion-loving lesbian feminazi is because my mom bought me a doll when I was a kid.

When I was seven years old my mother bought me the only doll that ever managed to compete with my Legos. The doll's name was Molly and I decided she was a WWII fighter pilot. Just your typical Doogie-Howser-meets-the-Red-Baron childhood fancy.

Little did I know that my friendly plastic companion was actually an undercover agent for the Radical Feminist Agenda. The American Family Association has revealed that the American Girls Collection (makers of the Molly doll) is partnered with Girls Incorporated, a group that is advancing dangerous and radical notions to poison the minds of little girls everywhere. For instance, Girls Inc suggests that females have the right "to choose whether, when, and under what circumstances to bear children," and that girls should be encouraged to "develop positive sexual identities and to function comfortably as responsible sexual beings." They brazenly encourage young girls to abstain from sex and avoid drug use. They even imply that educating female children may help them make healthy choices regarding sexuality and family planning.

I know, I'm as horrified as you are.

So let that be a lesson to you all. Buy your daughter a dolly, and the next thing you know she'll be making fetus s'mores around the Beltane fires with her hairy-legged lesbian coven.

Finally, somebody recognizes the real problem in Washington, DC: a lack of sufficient humor. I've been griping about this harmful level of seriousness since I moved to the District in 2004, but does anybody listen to me?

It's not like Washington lacks raw material for humor. How about DeLay pointedly asking, "How do you know you really have power until you abuse it?" And how about those terminally timid Democrats on Capitol Hill? If Scripture is accurate in saying that the meek will inherit the earth, then Senate Democrats can look forward to being land barons.

Matthew Sheppard
December 1, 1976 - October 12, 1998

A note from Judy Shepard

Let it never be said that Christians hold a monopoly on religious silliness.

My childhood home town was heavily populated by those media-controlling, Hollywood-running, Gentile-eating boogymen: the Jews. As a result, I am now one of the tiny handful of Americans who actually notices when non-Christian religious holidays roll around. For instance, sundown tonight marks the beginning of Yom Kippur, The Day of Atonement.

Now, the modern observation of Yom Kippur (as directed by the Reform and Conservative Rabbis that I was exposed to) is a day of fasting and contemplation, and is a relatively quiet affair. However, a related ritual called Kapparot* takes a somewhat more dramatic approach to atonement.

Kapparot was first introduced around the ninth century, when some Jewish scholars pointed out that the Hebrew word "gever" means both "man" and "rooster." The scholars concluded that punishment of the bird could be used as a substitution for punishment of the man, and thus a chicken could be used as a moral whipping boy on the day before Yom Kippur. It wouldn't completely cover all the atonement (because if it did, what would be the point of Yom Kippur?) but it would "take some atonement off the top," as it were. Here's how it works:

Buy a gender-appropriate white chicken (roosters for boys, hens for girls). Recite some passages from Isaiah 11:9, Psalms 107:10, 14, and 17-21, and Job 33:23-24. Swing the chicken around your head by its neck, while saying "This is my atonement, this is in exchange for me, this is my substitute." Then sacrifice the chicken and give its flesh to the poor. For bonus generosity points, feed its entrails to the birds.

This got me to thinking. In addition to the hilarity-related benefits of chicken swinging, we could draw upon the ritual of Kapparot to enrich other aspects of our lives. For instance, one of our English words for a young human ("kid") can also refer to a young goat. Instead of using time-outs to dicipline a misbehaving youth, require that your child swing a goat kid around his head while asking to be forgiven. Then have the child sacrifice the goat and feed its entrails to the family dog. If your child isn't terrified into obedience by this experience, I can assure you that the tot is possessed by Satan.


*Let me stress that the ritual of Kapparot is not described in the Torah or the Talmud, and many Rabbis oppose it. Some Rabbis worry that people will not understand the significance of the ritual, and in recent times there have been concerns about the obvious distress inflicted upon the hapless fowl, while still other Rabbis have decried the ritual as a pagan superstition. Few have been willing to directly question the sanity of swinging birds around your head to atone for your sins. Of course, that isn't as surprising when you remember that the Jews spent 40 years wandering the desert at the direction of a conflagrant hedge.

Click here if you love James Dobson.

There are times when money, even a very small amount of it, really can buy you happiness. For me, happiness is a vicious unicorn toy.

Yet another great reason to never shop at Walmart.

Jarvis had assigned her senior civics and economics class “to take photographs to illustrate their rights in the Bill of Rights,” she says. One student “had taken a photo of George Bush out of a magazine and tacked the picture to a wall with a red thumb tack through his head. Then he made a thumb’s down sign with his own hand next to the President’s picture, and he had a photo taken of that, and he pasted it on a poster.”

According to Jarvis, the student, who remains anonymous, was just doing his assignment, illustrating the right to dissent.

But over at the Kitty Hawk Wal-Mart, where the student took his film to be developed, this right is evidently suspect.

An employee in that Wal-Mart photo department called the Kitty Hawk police on the student. And the Kitty Hawk police turned the matter over to the Secret Service.

*Irony meter overloads and burns out in a cloud of indignation*

We all suspected Walmart employees were mostly drop-outs, but now we've got the proof...they aren't even familiar with Freshman Civics lessons. Of course, I've got to wonder what the hell has happened to our country if there are any people, of any educational background, who believe it is a crime to criticize political figures. Our entire freaking country was founded on criticizing the men in charge, yet somehow we've got people thinking that political disent is CRIMINAL.

Did the wingnuts repeal the First Amendment when I wasn't looking?

Last month, Tom Delay proudly informed us that there's no more fat to be cut from the federal budget. This past Sunday, Alaska Airlines proudly unveiled the "Salmon-thirty-salmon," a Boeing 737-400 passenger jet that has been painted to resemble a wild Alaska king salmon...at a price of $500,000 in federal funding.

Granted, it's not as appropriate as, say, a jet painted to look like a giant slab of pork, but I still think it's a charming mascot for our maximally efficient federal government.

Bet you never knew Neuroscience 101 classes were so exciting. Bet you also never knew that a parody of Christian fundamentalism can get you arrested for terrorism.

Here's the summary: a professor in a Intro to Neuro class bluntly stated that the Bible is not a science text book. Being confronted with fact offended one Christian student so much that he felt compelled to walk out of class and then send a bitter email to the professor and his fellow students. Another student, upon reading this email from the Dark Ages, felt compelled to compose a line-by-line parody of his peer's self-centered and pathetic whining. It was okay, as parodies go, though the original email sure gave him plenty to work with.

The next day, the parody writer was arrested as a terrorist.

My favorite quote from the arresting police officers: "It doesn’t matter that it was a joke. What matters is that your joke could be read a certain way that indicates a terroristic threat." Yeah, kid, it doesn't matter what you actually said, just that some tender Christian feelings got hurt. Baby Jeebus doesn't understand irony, satire, or parody, and thus you made him cry. Off to Guantanamo with you!