Right, I needed to gaffle this from Joe's page, because he is so right that it's making my head hurt. Read, and be enlightened:

If you're not reading comic books, you are missing out on one of the most enriching and enjoyable activities a human being can indulge in, will eventually be unable to communicate with your children (or me) about anything because you don't know what "Skrull" means, and -most importantly- you'll be less likely to hand over your money when I publish my own comic.

So here's what you do:

1: Go to Barnes and Noble, or Borders, or any large corperate type bookstore, and head for the sci-fi section (follow the smell of virginity).

*Do not, under ANY circumstances go to a comic shop!
Even Robert Downey Jr had a couple of toilet seat lines before he graduated to crack houses, so take your time
2: Take a look at the Graphic Novels (elitest word for funnybooks) and the Trade Paperbacks. They're single issues of a particular storyline collected into one volume. They aren't littered with ads for sea monkeys and gum, which is nice, and they can run you anywhere from six to forty bucks, depending on their size, and whether or not it's a hard cover.
No idea what to look for? Here are some suggestions:

If you like movies like Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction and Memento, I recomend:
DAREDEVIL:UNDERBOSS by Brian Michael Bendis & Alex Maleev
Any STRAY BULLETS tradepaperback by David Lapham

Did you like The Last Samurai, or Road To Perdition?
Check out all 28 little volumes of LONE WOLF AND CUB.
MOST CERTAINLY ONE OF THE BEST THINGS OF ANY KIND, EVER!

Read lots of 19th century english literature?
LEAGUE OF EXTRAODINARY GENTLEMEN has almost nothing to do with the movie of the same name (which may have been a high-school play) and will make your brain hurt from its extraordinary combination of wit and evicerated chinamen.

Scary movie fan? Like Satan? Want to know the plot of the upcoming, possibly kick-ass movie?
HELLBOY, HELLBOY, HELLBOY!
Try volume one: SEED OF DISTRUCTION.

.....Oooooor, would you just like to read the one book that turns everyone who picks it up into a beliver? (just ask Howard Stern) Would you like to pick up a comic that is funny, sad, intense, emotional, suprising, hip, quirky, riveting and most of all, enjoyable?

I recomend Ultimate Spider-Man Volume one, By Brian Michael Bendis and Mark Bagely. It has been, and continues to be the best thing in comics, and in fact better than any single tv program in existance today. Go drop the $17 on the book and see what I mean. You won't be dissapointed.

See? Don't you feel like a better person now that you've read that? I know I do!

As this week's Official Spokesperson for the Gay/Bisexual Community (what ever the hell that is supposed to mean), I have something to say:

WHY IS EVERYBODY SO INTERESTED IN MY SEX LIFE?!!

I find both men and women physically attractive. I tend to hit on both genders with about equal frequency (or I used to, before I started macking on my current monogamous squeeze). When I am out and about with my guy nobody gives a hoot. Yet when I put my hand in a female companion's back pocket the world goes mad over my perceived sexual escapades.

And so, because you're all aparently burning with curiosity, I feel the need to let you in on the big secret about being gay: it's all pretty much the same shit. Having a woman involves more buying of flowers, fewer hours screaming "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT CALL?" at ESPN, and a slightly different plan of attack when under the covers. But honestly, being in a gay relationship is pretty much exactly the same as being in a straight one...try it if you doubt me, I shit you not.

So, boys and girls, what's the freaking problem?!

I'm not "a gay woman." I'm not "a bisexual." I'm a young student who likes Tony Hawk 3 and hard liquor. I do science, I like loud music, I can cook nothing more complicated than peanut butter and jelly. Each of these facts, trivial as they may seem, is more important to me than my sexual orientation. I don't define myself by who I sleep with. In fact, I'm a little scared of people who do that. Hell, I'm deeply scared of people like that, because they generally get dumped and buy handguns.

That's really all I had to say. I now surrender my title of Official Spokesperson to that straight guy who plays the gay guy on Will&Grace.

How many times do you think one should have to explain a concept before becoming entitled to a violent outburst? I'm actually not really asking this as a question, I'm looking for somebody to back me up on my position that once is enough.

Okay, wait, this one is just too much to pass up...

A Philadelphia woman named Donkers (no really, that's her name) was pulled over for driving while breast feeding her child, talking on the phone, and taking notes from her husband, who continued to give her instructions as the police pursued her for three miles in the attempt to pull her over. She also did not have a valid drivers license.

Good thing God made the stupid so fertile.

Crush. Kill. Destroy.

Sometimes other humans make me want to rampage through Tokyo as a giant robot-gone-mad. Here is today's reason why.

Am I the only one who is bothered by this? Is it odd that I object to $1.5 billion taxpayer dollars being spent to promote religiously-motivated gender stereotypes? Am I crazy, or does it seem a little strange to use public funding to support the denouncement of "non-traditional" families like those of homosexual couples, which have been proven through scientific data to be just as healthy as 2-parent hetero families? Is there a reason why we want to defend the "traditional" family unit, in view of the fact that it could not include mixed-race couples, divorce due to abuse, remarriage after the death of a previous spouse, or adoption of children who have different ethnic backgrounds from their parents? And how is it that so very many people have conveniently forgotten that "traditional" family values include wife beating and child abuse?

Robot rampaging. I'm telling you, any day now.

So did anybody read up on the California couple who chose to treat their infant daughter's meningitis with prayer rather than medicine? Well, good news! The parents have been sentenced to a year of weekends in jail. Naughty parents, no killing your babies! You're grounded from going out on the weekends for a whole year!

Fortunately for the poor parents, they get to keep the kid they haven't killed yet (a 20-month-old son). I'm giving it about 3 months before Jesus strikes again and we've got another of God's lambs making that premature journey to the bosom of the LORD.

Started my job as Assistant Director for the Tech Show last night, and got to bond with my cast over a friendly little read-through. They're a swell bunch, delightful little lambs who are totally unprepared for the ninja death sheppard's crook of doom that I carry hidden under my stylish yet functional coat. It's gonna be a kickass month, I tell you, and everybody had best come view the final product...Tech Show, evenings Valentine's Weekend. Be there or be prepared to flee the country lest I track you down and mutilate your pets.

First day of classes went without a hitch, and this semester looks to be especially entertaining in many respects.

Biology class this semester is taught by a chappie who seems to simultaneously delight in the study of animal behavior while despising the human animal in all its forms, particularly the genus Undergratus studentus. He's chock full of wholesome rage; I can't wait to spend three mornings each week watching him simmer.

In contrast, my philosophy of religion class made me do one of those high-school-all-over-again double takes. Run by a teacher who's about as hostile as that 6-foot purple dinosaur, it's full of pretentious sophmores who think they have the slightest clue and they really need to tell you about it. Their adorable rambles about "meaning" and "human society" reveal the thinness of the balloon skin around their egos...and I'm just one giant rusty nail waiting to happen.

My independent research project with the ants is still trucking along, no thanks to me and my winter vacation, and my little unholy army of the night has survived three weeks without my tender loving mercies. The little pretties have been breeding up a storm while I was away, so if you want to have a chance at surviving our hostile take-over I would advise heavy investment in pesticides.

And that's just Day 1. Deeee-lightful.

The good people at Easyjournal.com decided to allow a flock of advertisers to nest on their website, and the resulting pop-up droppings became so objectionable that I have moved my not-so-inner monologue to this new location. The old material is linked as "tooluser" to the left, though you may enter that den of aggressive cyber solicitation at your own peril. The comment feature on this site is a bit unreliable, so if you want to respond to something and you're having trouble posting a comment then you can just email me at noniffer@hotmail.com or AIM at noodlechamp. Updates will follow as events warrant.

Defenseless under the night
OurWorld in a stupor lies;
Yet, dotted everywhere,
Ironic points of light
Flash out wherever the Just
Exchange their messages:
I, composed like them
Of Eros and of dust,
Beleaugered by the same
Negation and despair,
Show an affirming flame.

W.H. Auden