Over at Daily Kos there is now a thread about the infamous "contract" drawn up by that psycho who kidnapped his wife. The contract itself is beyond sickening, but I was actually even more disgusted by some of the responses in the thread.

While there are a fair number of people who simply express horror at the contract, there are just as many posts by guys who see this contract as "proof" that they really aren't so bad as boyfriends or husbands, and the womenfolk should quit their bitchin'. Apparently these boys think the take-home message of the contract story is that women should feel lucky to have any man who isn't beating, raping, or kidnapping them.

However, I think the prize for most pathetic response goes to the person who decided this was a great time to post a shout-out to "nice guys." I'll take it bit by bit, because it's almost as rambling as it is wretched:

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point.

If a guy is hanging around with females friends who are "bitching and whining about what assholes guys are" to a male friend for hours on end, then what does that say about him?

Put it to you another way: if a black guy hangs around with white friends who love to bitch and moan to him about the various shortcomings of "niggers," what does that say about the black guy?

Hint: it doesn't say "he's a nice guy." It says, "Either he is a self-hating fool, or he has an ulterior motive."

This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back

...because it is so very difficult to refrain from mauling someone while hugging, and it requires super-human effort to open doors. Also, only "nice guys" give pats on the back, which is why you never see male professional atheletes (aka "jocks," the inverse of "nice guys") patting each other on the back.

and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores.

My lord, sitting patiently?! Next thing you know they'll be expecting nice guys to wait quietly in line at the market, speak using their indoor-voices, and go potty all by themselves!

This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support.

"Nice guys" oblige women by spouting a litany pre-fab compliments on cue. This is because girls need support, of course, not because "nice guys" actually have anything nice to say about anybody.

This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

Gosh yes, let's honor the very special and amazing men who--*gasp*--respect women. Respecting women is remarkable, rare, and something that causes men to break out into hives. They should be praised for even trying.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door,

While we're at it, let's praise all the men who didn't rape anybody last night.

for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population,

Not-So-Fun Fact: a girl is, statistically, far more likely to get raped by a "nice guy" friend than by a stranger in a bar.

for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway,

...because it is good to reinforce immature, selfish behavior by praising girls who are passive-aggressive and fish for compliments...

for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

(Bold mine) Forgive me, but this brings to mind all those late-night commercials for crappy technical schools.

"I got my Boyfriend Certification from the Nice Guy Institute in just 18 weeks! You can take classes part-time, at night, or online! They even helped to place me in a great bar scene with plenty of women who are prepared to accept my Nice Guy credits in exchange for sexual relations! Thanks, Nice Guy Institute!"

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it.

Since when does a good friend LIE and tell you to keep going out with "a chump and a jerk"? Since when is it a good thing to encourage your female friends to continue in unhealthy relationships?

This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor.

If a guy chooses to associate with stupid women, he gives up the right to bitch when those women act stupid.

This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.

In my experience, guys who agree to be a "stand-in" for this kind of girl know exactly what they are getting into. In most cases, the kind of guy who agrees to this sort of thing is really not interested in being her friend at all, he's simply hoping that he can play the "friend" game until she gives it up. She's trying to use him, he's trying to use her right back.

The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due.

Chris Rock said it best:

What do you want, a cookie?!

You're SUPPOSED to treat women with respect and dignity! You're SUPPOSED to be kind and honest toward your friends! You're SUPPOSED to refrain from beating, raping, and otherwise abusing your fellow human beings.

And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should.

I hear this a lot. Nice guys don't get laid enough, boo hoo hoo. Nice guys finish last, boo hoo hoo. And it's always the fault of those vicious harpies who won't put out, who don't appreciate how very very nice this guy is.

Interestingly, the harpies are usually being badmouthed by the Nice Guy's FEMALE FRIENDS, none of whom want to sleep with him. He's nice, they say, he's so nice, he deserves a nice girl. Of course, when they're alone they will all agree on the many reasons why he's not somebody they would want to date, but they also agree that he deserves some other girl. And even though he probably is a bit greasy or lumpy or otherwise imperfect, he deserves a hot girl, a girl who he can show off to all the "jocks" to prove that "nice guys" can get hot arm candy too! He deserves it, for being so nice.

When will people stop being Pussy Communists?! We do not distribute the pussy from each according to her ability to each according to his need. Pussy is not something that guys are entitled to, no matter how nice they are. There are lots of nice people in the world who don't get laid, or don't get married, or never find The One. It doesn't mean they aren't nice, and it also doesn't mean that all women (or all men) are evil, it just means that finding a suitable mate is a complicated process that doesn't always end happily for everybody.

And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't.

Let me help you out, sweetie.

Guys who want praise for respecting women are not boyfriend material. Guys who play doormat to a harem of moronic "girls-who-are-friends" in the hopes of one day getting a mercy fuck are not boyfriend material. Guys who think that holding a door makes them boyfriend material are not boyfriend material.

From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches.

And guys (or girls) who choose to hang around with that kind of female are pathetic. What's your point?

Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he's too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!).

Yep, there are a lot of messed up people in this world, and 50% of them are female.

If a guy finds himself drawn to women of this sort, then the problem is with HIM. If a guy finds himself wanting to date a girl who has that kind of attitude, then the problem is with HIM. He needs to figure out why he is attracted to such a self-destructive and idiotic breed of female human. He needs to figure out why he isn't spending time with interesting, capable, sane, entertaining women. He needs to address why he is choosing female friends who are this pathetic.

And that goes for the women, too. Quit bitching that there are "no good men" out there. There are plenty, you are just choosing to spend time with worthless men. That problem is with YOU. Quit blaming other people for your failings.

But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

No, the tricky part is realizing that a real nice guy should hang out with nice girls (of which there are plenty), as opposed to voluntarily surrounding himself with empty, manipulative, petty creatures who he's decided he needs to sleep with. The trick is realizing that it might not be possible to find an ideal life-mate by groping for the first bitchy-yet-nubile plaything whose leather mini will impress all your guy friends. The trick is realizing that if you speak to women as though they are actual people, and if you interact with them for reasons other than trying to get your cock sloppy, you may just stumble upon some females who are worth dating.

Also, there are plenty of girls who NEVER suffer from the kind of pointless stupidity that is being pinned on all of womankind. In fact, most girls are never this stupid, just like most guys are never complete jackasses. Girls are people, and most people are well-meaning, slightly clueless, and just doing their best to figure out how to unhook someone else's underwear without ruining the moment.

Blaming girls for the Nice Guy phenomenon is just another way of making women responsible for male sexual satisfaction, when the reality is that men could fix this "problem" any time they want to. Don't like bitchy girls? Stop hanging out with them. Stop praising them. For pity's sake, stop trying to fuck them. Playing Nice Guy until one of the bitches lets you in her pants is not a way to improve the situation.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

I propose a toast to all the guys who gag while reading the above passage. Here's to the guys who open doors for everybody, not just for people they hope to sleep with. Here's to the guys who don't blame Womankind for their every failing. Here's to the guys who can value a friendship with a woman, even if it doesn't end up with him getting laid.

Here's to the guys who have no patience for bratty girl-women, and who aren't suckered in by perky tits attached to an utter bitch. Here's to the guys who don't date worthless chicks, and don't want to. Here's to the nice guys who look at the nice girls.

Here's to the guys who don't think they deserve a cookie (or a pussy) for respecting other human beings. But then, you fellas already know how much you rock.