Thursday, September 29, 2005

I don't know how many of you have heard about Serenity, the new action-sci fi-western-comic-drama movie from Joss Whedon (creator of Buffy The Vampire Slayer), but I want to make sure that you all hear about it now.

Serenity is a feature-length adaptation/extension of Whedon's TV show, Firefly, which was tragically cut short after only a single season. (I blame the Fox Network, as they completely and utterly bungled the advertising for the show, and I really think it was one of the better shows to come out this century.) If you missed Firefly, it's been released on DVD and is absolutely worth checking out. Particularly if you like intergalactic geishas, scruffy mercenaries, train robberies, and superpowered crazy people.

Now, for a variety of reasons, I have not yet seen Serenity. Indeed, while I am most certainly going to see it as soon as possible, I may not get a chance to see it while it is in theaters. The thing is, I want Joss Whedon to get filthy rich, so I am hoping at least one person who reads this will go see Serenity and will therefore be taking my place at the box office. GO SEE THIS MOVIE. If you're cool, you'll like it. You don't even have to take my word for it...it's getting very good reviews, and many reviewers are emphasizing that Serenity is one of the rare from-TV adaptations that manages to please long-time fans while also entertaining viewers who never watched the TV show.

One last time: please give Joss Whedon your money. Go see Serenity. If nothing else, it's a great excuse to chow some popcorn and avoid talking to your date.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

More quotations are in order, I think.


"It does not require a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority keen to set brush fires in people's minds."

-Sam Adams, born 283 years ago today

Monday, September 26, 2005

"Higher gas prices are a sign of a failed presidency."

- Dick Cheney, 1998

Friday, September 23, 2005

Cutest. Cephalopod. Ever.














Can I keep him?

Best. Beer ad. Ever.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Fascism: n.
1. A system of government marked by centralization of authority under a dictator, stringent socioeconomic controls, suppression of the opposition through terror and censorship, and typically a policy of belligerent nationalism and racism.
-A political philosophy or movement based on or advocating such a system of government.
2. Oppressive, dictatorial control.

Now, read Dr. Lawrence Britt's Fourteen Defining Characteristics Of Fascism, and explain to me how the GOoPers are the party of "small government."

Here's another entry for the I-Can't-Make-This-Shit-Up Files...

Remember how the jerkwads, asswads, and other assorted religious wads decided that Hurricane Katrina was sent to punish us for the "sin" of abortion because a weather service image supposedly made the storm appear to have the form of a fetus?


Well, meet Hurricane Rita!

That is an actual for-real picture from the National Weather Service. Now the question becomes, will the Christ-wads decide to use this as proof that God's vengeful penis has come to punish the lesbians and working mothers of America, or will they decide the hurricane is "obscene" and organize a massive effort to stop news networks from covering the storm?

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

I did not know this:
    Ezekiel 16:48-52

    48 As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, your sister Sodom and her daughters never did what you and your daughters have done. 49 'Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy. 50 They were full of pride and did what was disgusting to me: and therefore I did away with them as you have seen.
I've been hearing the Christians recite the tale of Sodom since before I was entirely clear on the difference between Jesus and Santa. I always was skeptical of the theory that an all-loving God would murder a city because boys kissed boys and girls kissed girls. I knew from the start that I wasn't going to like any organization, religious or otherwise, that was so clearly mired in playground cootie theories. But what I didn't know was that God himself told the Christians exactly why He nuked Sodom...and it had nothing to do with the fags. God was pissed because the Sodomites were being snooty, pudgy, uncharitable jackarses, and I have to say I agree with Him that those are all very good reasons to murder a city's worth of people. Much better reasons than boy-touching or girl-snogging.

As disappointed as the Christian homophobes must be, I think this revelation hits me even harder. After all, I've been showing Christians the troublesome vagueries of the story of Sodom for some years now, and I've often enjoyed asking them why gay sex between consenting adults is more sinful than drunken incest with one's minor children, yet somehow I completely missed the mark on this one. I feel like the Bible totally chumped me. It got the drop on me by including this clear, straight-forward, non-metaphor-choked passage with God's specific reasoning in His own words.

Okay, here's the first possible draft of our format change. If you have trouble viewing this, or if there are technical problems, please let me know. If you hate it or have stylistic suggestions, please let me know. If you have a problem with the color scheme, you might as well save your breath because the friendly primary colors are here to stay.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

The New Yorker has must-read ecumenical version of Intelligent Design:
    Day No. 1:

    And the Lord God said, “Let there be light,” and lo, there was light. But then the Lord God said, “Wait, what if I make it a sort of rosy, sunset-at-the-beach, filtered half-light, so that everything else I design will look younger?”

    “I’m loving that,” said Buddha. “It’s new.”

    “You should design a restaurant,” added Allah.
I normally like the New Yorker just fine, but this time it's even better because I understand why it's funny!

Monday, September 19, 2005

Avast! 'Tis National Talk Like A Pirate Day, me hearties!

ADMINISTRATIVE NOTE: Thar be a change in format a-scentin' on th' winds. If ye have comments ye wish to save, best be copying them to a word file for ye'selves, for they will most likely be tossed o'erboard when th' format for this blog be changed. The Cap'n does not regret any inconvenience this may pose, and will keel-haul any whiners.

UPDATE OFF THE PORT BOW: What do ye buy th' pirate who has everything? The Corsair Ergonomic Keyboard For Pirates!

Sunday, September 18, 2005

WARNING: Post may contain spoilers for Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children

Last night I watched Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children while long-distance phone conferencing with the only person qualified to share such an experience with me...Aerosaucer, who has his own review of the experience on his blog. He found the entire adventure to be orgasmically transcendent, and, while I could never equal his amazing fanboydom, I also must strongly encourage everybody to screen Advent Children. Preferably in the original Japanese--with English subtitles, of course--so you can appreciate how mind-bendingly well the mouth movements match the voices.

However, I also felt there were several potential points of improvement for the film, and I am a strong believer in giving honest constructive criticism.
  • For one thing, the plot would have been improved by 100-fold if the army of creepy snake-eyed children had been equipped with giant gun/swords (a Final Fantasy staple) and set loose to rampage across the half-ruined metropolis. Sure, little children are terrifying in their own right, but add some comic book weaponry and you've got yourself a serious party.

  • I felt that Cloud's climactic self-realization moment was poorly scripted. Instead of delivering the powerful and somewhat poignant line, "There's nothing that's not important," Cloud should have said, "You raise some interesting points, Sephrioth, but this next move of mine is going to be so freaking sweet that it'll make you explode into a flurry of bird feathers."

  • Cloud's CutCo Knifematic 2000 Motorbike X-treme should have contained a couple more awesomely gigantic swords. As a rule, when you're providing a totally badass mode of transportation for the main character in an anime action flick, the sword-to-rider ratio should never drop below 15:1.

  • Finally, the animators could have improved the detail on the characters' skin to the point where you could actually see the microscopic bacteria and follicle structures on the surface. I mean, sure you can't perceive that level of detail in real life, but they already made the rest of it so hyper-realistic that my retinas hurt...why settle for the poor resolution of actual human vision, when CGI can improve on our wimpy biological sensory abilities?
Seriously, though, this was a really gorgeous piece of work and I strongly recommend it. To get the full effect, if you haven't played FF7 the game then you should probably read a FF7 plot summary before trying to watch the movie. Well, actually, if you haven't played FF7 then you should go spend an hour in your Shame Closet, because it is one of the greatest of the videogame classics.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

    To Senator Norm Coleman (R-MN):

    As a native Minnesotan and former constituent of yours, I would like some explanations from you regarding your decision to join with 53 other GOP Senators in blocking a bipartisan commission that would investigate the tragedy surrounding Hurricane Katrina.

    The Democrats aren't afraid to face the judgment of an impartial, independent commission, voting unanimously in favor, yet for some reason the GOP voted unanimously against this measure. Are you so sure that the finger of blame will point squarely at yourselves? What do you fear from an honest evaluation of what may have gone wrong, considering that such an evaluation may save lives in the future by helping us to avoid repeating these mistakes? Why do you want to leave America open to future terrorist attacks by refusing to examine and improve our emergency response measures? It appears that Republicans put their party loyalty ahead of the lives and safety of American citizens...if this is untrue, then how else can you explain your disgraceful vote?

    You, and your 53 cowardly compatriots, have let down the American people and ignored the voices of the people who put you in office. You, personally, have betrayed the state of Minnesota and the people you are supposed to serve. Shame on you.

    (Letter sent 10pm EST)
If you are unfortunate enough to be represented by one of the 54 GOP Senators who voted to quash the independent, bipartisan Katrina commission, I strongly urge you to write them and demand some answers. However, I think we've got most of the answers we need from their votes; the Democrats vote 100% support for a fair appraisal of what happened during the Katrina disaster, while the GOP unite in their cowardly shrinking from responsibility...because they know exactly where most of the blame rests. Americans, across party lines, are asking for this independent commission, but it appears that only the members of one party are prepared to behave as representatives of the people. It's a rare day when I can find something nice to say about the Democratic party, but today they earned it: good work, Dems, you've earned my support in '06.

UPDATE 9/15: Americablog is spearheading another "Senate phone-in" over this issue. The last one, over the lynching issue, was pretty successful, and I think this effort has even more potential. Visit Americablog here for a handy-dandy list of emails and phone numbers for the Shameful 54, and remind these jackarses that it's their job to listen to the people.

Oh and FYI, those of you who know the number of GOP Senators were probably asking (as Aleks did in the comments), "So who abstained from this vote?" Believe it or not, it was the Senator from Louisiana. Yeah. So. I'm just saying.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

There were three wrong things today.

The first wrong thing is that HaloScan appears to have lost my comments for the month of September. This is the third time something like this has happened, and I think I've finally had it. If anybody can recommend a reliable host for my comments then PLEASE let me know. HaloScan says "we're working on it," so hopefully the comments will be back soon, but the last time they said that I never saw those comments again. Sorry if anybody lost a good discussion...I know I did.

The second wrong thing was lunch. I spent today working in the imaging center at the university, which is a suite of rooms housing the confocal and electron microscopes, several lesser 'scopes, and a host of expensive computers capable of processing imaging data. You are not allowed to eat in the imaging center. Being the good little nerd that I am, I went down to my office for my lunch break, but when I returned I was met with what I can only describe as an astoundingly yucky smell. Think of a bag of dead turtles marinating in sardine oil and gasoline. Yeah. Not a very microscope-y smell.

I went in search of the source of the smell, and found a fellow of indeterminate age and ethnicity eating something out of a tupperware container. I was about to gently tell him to quit chowing in the imaging center, when I noticed that the material in the tupperware was moving.

I am not a brave person. I left him to his meal.

And finally, the third wrong thing today was that I actually saw somebody walking down the street with a boombox on their shoulder. It was a new boombox, one of those bubble-like Japanese dealies that probably transforms into a solar-powered scooter or something, but this crazy mofo was bopping along with it perched next to his ear just like he had stepped straight out of 1985. I crossed to the other side of the street.

Any astrologers out there want to explain which planets aligned to make today so very wrong?

Monday, September 12, 2005

For any of you guys out there who are still heterosexual, here's a little something to change your mind. Men's Health has a list of "Secrets Every Woman Keeps From Her Man." And when they say Every Woman, they mean it...even lesbians, single women, and widows. See, according to Men's Health, Every Woman always has a man around whom her life can revolve, and has no feelings, ideas, secrets, goals, or desires that do not in some way involve said man. Also, Every Woman is a lying, spineless, brainless 12 year old.

But, of course, Every Man has no standards or self respect, and will gladly allow the stupid and childish Every Woman to lie, whine, cheat, and manipulate, so long as Every Man can get his cock sloppy from time to time. I guess Men's Health is really an equality-minded publication, since they make an effort to degrade both men and women in equal measure.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

I totally just ate the stripe of strawberry ice cream out of a tub of Neopolitan. I think the point of Neopolitan is to let you know which of the three most basic ice cream flavors you really like the best, and to make the other two flavors feel bad.

Friday, September 02, 2005

"Outrage" doesn't quite seem to go far enough, does it?

Outrage set in for me when heard that Bush was enjoying his vacation while people were dying in the greatest natural disaster to hit this country in generations (and possibly ever). Outrage reached its boiling point when I learned Condi Rice went on vacation after the disaster hit. And when I learned Dick Cheney was also on fucking vacation during this crisis, my outrage became so massive that it collapsed into a black hole and pulled a chunk of my soul with it.

Hundreds of thousands of Americans suffering in barely-imaginable conditions. Hundreds, perhaps thousands, dead and dying. A major city obliterated and an entire region of the country plunged suddenly into third-world war-zone conditions. AND THE PRESIDENT, VICE PRESIDENT, AND SECRETARY OF STATE ARE ALL ON VACATION.

The Chimp smirked through a couple of recent appearances, and muttered cheerfully about how he "understands." Can I see a show of hands of how many people believe that? Yes, you in the back? What's that? Oh, yes yes, you can go to the lavatory. Now, really, anybody believe Bush?

Didn't think so.

I think America needs to realize the painful and horrifying truth: we have no President. See, most of us have been slowly coming to terms with the possibility that we are stuck with an incompetent and empty boob of a POTUS who embarrasses us at every turn, but the reality is worse than we imagined. We simply have nothing. Bush can't even do the bare fucking minimum of showing the hell up when serious shit is going down in his country. Bush thinks "getting on with his life" is more important than doing the job he was fucking hired to do. He's completely removed himself from his office, his duties, and even the most rudimentary display of human decency that we used to expect from our elected officials.

To make matters worse, we can't count on the rest of the government to take up the slack. The "culture of life" had Congress scrambling back from vacation within hours of the removal of Terry Shiavo's feeding tube, even meeting on the night of Easter Sunday, but an emergency session of Congress didn't lurch into motion until nearly a week after Katrina hit. I guess it's more pro-life to invade the privacy of a woman who wants to die than it is to save a city full of people struggling to live.

They tried to kick Clinton out of office for getting a blowjob, but I am forced to wonder if anybody will even bother to ask Bush to explain himself. I know we aren't allowed to take our lips off the pretty pink buttcheeks of Dear Leader long enough to criticize anything this administration does, but maybe we can make an exception just this once? Maybe we can ask him why hundreds of people had to die because he wanted to play guitar instead of playing President. Maybe we can ask Condi Rice why buying Ferragamo shoes on 5th Ave was more important than helping save the lives of the people she was hired to serve. Maybe we can ask why rebuilding Iraq is worth hundreds of billions of dollars, but House Speaker Dennis Hastert doesn't think we should rebuild New Orleans. Maybe, just maybe, this can be the last straw for some of those last hold-out fanatics who have excused and mumbled away all of the hideous failures of the Bush administration.

There have been two disasters in Louisiana in the past week. The first, the natural disaster, would have been horrifying enough in its own right. But the second disaster is a man-made nightmare of incompetence and indifference. It has far surpassed anything Mother Nature has thrown at us because it didn't have to happen.

It didn't have to happen.

This morning my email inbox contained a letter forwarded by a friend, imploring me to pray for the victims of Katrina. I replied to the email address listed on the email as the "prayer circle organizer."
    I hope that all your prayerful folk will do more than just talk. Make your prayers mean something: donate to the Red Cross, or to one of the other organizations that are working to save the people trapped in this horrifying situation.

    Don't just pray that everything will be okay. Don't just pray that somebody else will help the victims of Katrina. Don't just beg some other force to take care of them.

    Pray for the strength to tell your kids that you can't take them to the movies this weekend because you sent that money to help get food and shelter for the children stranded by Katrina. Pray for the self control to give up driving for a while, to help deal with the off-the-wall gas situation. Pray for the strength of character to give up cable TV for the month so you can send an extra $50 down to help the survivors. Instead of praying for a minute and then trotting off to buy a large double-whip double-espresso mocha flip on your way to work, send that coffee money to the people who really need it. The relief efforts aren't going to stop any time soon, so if you haven't got any money to spare right now then think of New Orleans when you get your next paycheck.

    Sacrifice more than just a few moments mumbling hopeful words to yourself. Endure a little personal discomfort, give up a few of your luxuries, so that other men, women, and children might have a better chance to survive and rebuild their lives. Give from your heart, and give more than words.

    That's the kind of prayer the people of New Orleans will hear.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

I haven't posted anything about the Katrina disaster. This is not because I don't care, but because I am so horrified, angry, frustrated, and generally beside myself that I can't yet sort out my thoughts. All I can do for now is to ask everybody to please donate whatever you can to help the relief efforts.