Your quote for the day:

"The less a man knows about how laws and sausages are made, the easier it is to steal his vote and give him botulism."

Is it Independence Day 2? Is it a sequal to Deep Impact? NO! It's a real-life, government-funded American space venture!

A NASA spacecraft loaded with explosives is intended to collide with the Tempel-1 comet on July 4, 2005. So let this be a warning to anybody who's ever claimed you can't learn real lessons from the movies, or anybody who thinks smashing expensive stuff into big rocks can't be educational: NASA is here to prove you wrong.

This latest venture from those hapless brainiacs at NASA has also uncovered some unexpected data right here on Earth. It now appears that, for a great many years, we have been underestimating how completely ridiculous astrologers really are.

In a lawsuit she filed last month with the Presnensky district court in Moscow, [Russian astrologist Marina] Bai is demanding that NASA call off its $311 million operation, with the spacecraft already in its cruise phase. She also wants 8.7 billion rubles (the ruble equivalent of the entire cost of the mission) in compensation for moral damages.

“The actions of NASA infringe upon my system of spiritual and life values, in particular on the values of every element of creation, upon the unacceptability of barbarically interfering with the natural life of the universe, and the violation of the natural balance of the Universe,” Bai said in her claim.

A NASA spokeman has informed Under No Circumstances that they have already begun work on a shuttle designed to help return Bai to her home planet.

It was only a matter of time before those crazy bastards at MIT went too far.

A scientist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) has invented the clever device, which will defy even the most determined alarm clock "snoozers."

Research associate Gauri Nanda's two-wheeled "Clocky" automatically rolls off the bedside table when the alarm goes off and the snooze button is pressed.

It travels around the room and its carpet-covered surface bumps into objects that come into its path, until it finds a resting place.

"Minutes later, when the alarm sounds again, the sleeper must get up out of bed and search for Clocky," says the 25-year-old scientist.

When these contraptions become self-aware and make their move for world domination, just remember that I TOLD YOU SO.