I will not be blogging on tonight's Presidential Debates, because no matter how quickly I do so I will still have been thoroughly scooped by the Boston Globe and the Associated Press. They both have already reported that the debate covered topics like the political importance of Florida's recent weather, and that "[t]he debate's focus on Iraq was sharpened by bombings in Baghdad Thursday that killed three dozen children."

UPDATE: Both links are now down. Apparently the media has realized that the already-blatant manufacturing of news will become even more impossible to deny if they release stories about events that have yet to occur.

There's no mistaking it now, God is seriously pissed about the outcome of the 2000 election.

Witness this map of Florida, on which the counties are colored to reflect who they voted for in 2000 and the paths of hurricanes Charley, Frances, and Ivan have been overlaid. I don't know how much clearer the message needs to be, folks; God is very clearly hitting the Republicans and leaving the Democrats alone. Notice how the hurricanes swerved to avoid Gore-supporting areas, and Frances in particular managed to squeeze through a narrow openning between two Gore counties, leaving the "godless" liberals in Palm Beach relatively unscathed.

I thought that the water-stain Virgin Mary was an all-time low for humanity, but now I realize that I totally underestimated the idiocy of my fellow human. Charli Claypool believes that her coffee pot, which she has named William, is a conduit through which the dead speak to her...and she's not the only one.

Apparently there are a whole pile of people who are so afraid of their own mortality that they need to believe the background noise from their household appliances is proof of the afterlife. The American Association of Electronic Voice Phenomena (AAEVP) seeks to refine and improve recordings from electronic appliances that sound like human voices chattering, and to use these recordings to uncover what happens to human consciousness after death.

The AAEVP makes frantic attempts to cloak their fantasy world in seemingly-scientific language, such as classifying sound recordings from their talking appliances from the easily-recognizable messages in "Class A" (anybody can recognize that the toaster was clearly telling me to kill) to the extremely faint or garbled mutterings of "Class C" (the toaster might just have been asking me to use rye instead of wheat). They also pamper the vanity of would-be toaster-listeners by explaining that some people have natural talent for hearing voices, but that we all can hone our schizophrenic abilities with practice.

The AAEVP even addresses the concerns of those who worry that listening to the voices in their appliances might summon demons who will attack them.

And the saddest part is, there is still more evidence for talking appliances than for the resurrection and divinity of Jesus Christ, so about 75% of America's population doesn't even have the right to laugh at the AAEVP.

There's some good news for those of us who have been concerned with the state of public education in the United States: Education Secretary Rod Paige has declared that "the debate is over" about whether No Child Left Behind is a success. Thank goodness.

Now we can stop worrying about why the federal government has been granted unprecedented power over the states by a president who supposedly represents conservative politics. There need not be any questioning from Republicans who wonder why their vote for Bush has turned into a vote for massive government expansion and fiscal socialism.

We no longer have to bite our nails at the thought of already-neglected subjects like art, music, and social studies being further marginalized by standardized testing. We certainly don't have to lose sleep over the thought of public education being reduced to a 12-year test-prep course.

Thanks to Paige's assertion, practical problems with NCLB transfer system don't need to be a source of unsightly forehead wrinkles any more. This should be a welcome relief for the 240,000 Chicago students who are in schools "in need of improvement," and who will have to compete for transfers to the 1,035 spaces available in the district.

Best of all, there is no longer any need to debate whether it is reasonable to demand that underfunded school systems show improvement on their own, without any substantial increase in resources, and then cut their funding when they fail. The opinions of organizations like the National Education Association, the country's largest teacher's union, can now be ignored with impunity. Granted, Paige has referred to the NEA as a "terrorist organization", but the Bush administration has chosen to emphasize continuity in this year's campaign by encouraging Americans to ignore these NEA terrorists in much the same way we ignore the terrorists in Sudan, Uzbekistan, and Afghanistan.

Thanks, Rod Paige, for putting my mind at ease.

We all know that Osama Bin Laden has been chained up in a Guantanamo cell for quite some time, and we all know his capture is going to be stunningly announced any day now, but the question is WHEN? If you think you can name that date, you could be the lucky one to win a Dubya Action Figure in complete "Mission Accomplished" regalia! Just enter the Osama Sweepstakes for $2 (proceeds go to charity) and make your prediction!

Courtesy of Jay, and the Daily Kos, Channel DeathKoala brings you this exclusive look into a parallel dimension:

I totally dig the Supremes. Nope, I'm not talking about Diana Ross and the Ross-ettes, I'm talking about our very own United States Supreme Court Justices. Let's give it up for the Bench Posse!

While Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was giving a speech at a Hattiesburg high school, two reporters were forced to erase the recordings they were making of the proceedings, even though there had been no prior warning that such recordings were forbidden. A federal marshal forcibly took the recording device from one of the reporters, and the other was told she could only get her recording device back if she erased the tape in front of a marshal.

You must be asking yourself, what could be more ironic than a Supreme Court Justice violating the freedom of the press? Well, according to CNN, "The exchange occurred in the front row of the school auditorium while Scalia spoke on the Constitution."

The US government has acknowledged the mistake, thanks to the federal judge who ruled they had to, and Scalia, ever the class act, has apologized and promised to make his no-recordings policy clear in the future. This lack of clarity seems to be an on-going problem for Scalia, since a similar situation occurred in April of this year when Scalia ordered US Marshals to seize the tapes of reporters who were taping his speeches to two religious schools in Mississippi.

The tragic irony of Scalia's behavior won't come as a shock to any of my fellow Scalia buffs, knowing as we do that our boy Antonin has a history of flipping the bird at fundamental codes of ethics whenever they try to assert themselves against his personal wishes. For those who aren't as familiar with Justice Scalia, let me give you just one example of what I mean:

Back in January of this year, Scalia went duck hunting at a private camp in southern Louisiana with Vice President Dick Cheney. Now, Scalia and Cheney go way back, and both are avid hunters, so a little boy-bonding wouldn't normally raise any eyebrows. However, a few people found it in poor taste that those two were choosing to bond only a few weeks after the Court agreed to take up the Vice President's appeal in lawsuits over his handling over his handling of the Energy Task force. Some legal experts even went so far as to question Scalia's impartiality, but Scalia rejected that concern (and subtly insulted those making it) by saying, "I do not think my impartiality could reasonably be questioned."

Now, perhaps, you will see how my perverse sense of humor is satisfied by the Supremes. I've long thought that the best joke is one that makes you both laugh and weep at the same time.

UPDATE: I found this gem at IMAO, and just had to share it.

Does anybody know a mnemonic for all 20 amino acids? Or any mnemonics to help remember their structures? I've gotta learn biochem by Monday, which won't happen, but I plan to molify my profs by demonstrate the ability to memorize useless information that real researchers look up in books rather than committing to memory. They seem to like it when we waste time on crap like that.

One would always like to assume the best of others, for such belief inflates the perceived likelihood they will show honor, respect, and kindness, and thus not be utter pains in one's ass. How unfortunate that such a happy assumption is problematic.

The primary and obvious reason is that such daydreams are refuted by simple observation, but I shall reign in my enthusiastic cynicism and refrain from documenting the sad history of humanity's inhumanness. After all, "why people suck" is the third most cliche blog topic (following "what I did today" and "my poetic exhibition of teen angst"), and we've established how little interest I have in providing further examples of cliche to a world already swimming in predictability and stereotypes.

Instead, what is more troubling to me is that kindness and practicality are not always compatible. I can hardly fault a person for putting their own interests above my own, since I consider that the most intelligent and practical thing to do, yet I still wish they would act irrationally compassionate in my favor so that I would get what I want. This contradiction makes it necessary for me to choose between equally impossible options: liking irrational people or accepting that I won't always get my way.

I could always simply decide not to like anybody and to enjoy getting my way. But that would be so very cynical of me.

The infamous ban on wearing conspicuous religious icons in French public schools has taken effect, and debate on the subject annoys the crap out of me.

I'm all for freedom of dress, and as far as I am concerned kids can come to school naked, or dressed in duct tape, or in Hitler t-shirts if they want. Smearing yourself with feces should be restricted for reasons of public health, and clothing with flashing lights or sounds should be required to shut off during class time, but beyond that I don't see much problem.

What pisses me off is all the people claiming that this issue is about religious freedom. It's got NOTHING TO DO with the right to freedom of religion. Public school is a public place, and your freedom to practice your religion is limited in public places. This issue is about freedom of expression in general, and religion isn't some kind of trump card that can be played to gain particular privaledges.

If I firmly believed that my head scarf is necessary to keep out cosmic rays there would be nobody leaping to defend my cause when my school makes me to take it off, but if I say God told me to wear it there is suddenly a massive groundswell of support for my rights. If I want to wear conspicuous piercings or tattoos because of a secular belief nobody is going to bat an eyelash when my school requires me to cover them or remove jewelry, but I can get heads to turn if I claim my religion mandates such affectations. No matter how silly my dress code, it automatically is given more credibility when I assert that my mythic Creator figure stands behind the choice.

When somebody tells me they need to wear a hat or a scarf or a cloak because of God's Law it pretty much sounds the same as if they told me Santa wants them to dress a particular way. Personally, I think that belief should count against their case, since it is evidence of their diminished reasoning abilities and possible mental illness, but, in the end, how crazy they are shouldn't stop them from wearing what they please.

Let me start out by saying I think the current protestors in New York are doing more harm than good. If all those people would get as excited about voting as they are about causing disturbances around the RNC they'd have the November election in the bag, but I'm willing to bet at least 30% of the protestors won't (or legally can't due to age) show up at the polls when the time comes to do something more profound than throw hissy fits on the convention floor.

However, I have to admit one of the pranks they came up with is chuckle-worthy. From CNN,

About 30 activists wearing pig snouts assembled at a breakfast sponsored by gas and oil supplier Halliburton...Calling the company "Hallibacon," the snout-wearing protesters stuffed fake money with Cheney's image on it into their mouths.

They took the time to print up fake money with Cheney's picture on it. That's kinda cute. You could print up some $477 billion dollar bills with Bush's picture, a few 10 cent notes with Kerry's, and have yourself a game of Modern Despot Monopoly.

UPDATE: Somebody actually DID make and use bills with George W. Bush printed on them. Congrats to the cashier at the Fashion Bug in Hempfield Township, Pa., who accepted one of the $200 notes; not only is Dubya most certainly NOT on any of our currency, there also is no 200-dollar denomination in circulation.